takes home the Reindeer! MOTY 2007 Named.
Ahh! I can’t breathe! What is this? Get it off me! Get it
Words understandably exclaimed by a newly married man as he woke
up in terror, tugging on his new wedding ring.
Words many men think but are afraid to utter on their wedding night.
An act and a statement that are so simple, yet say so much.
“What can you say? The guy nailed it. He had the huevos to
say what we are all thinking. If that’s not man of the year
material, I sure as hell don’t know what is!” David
Sorensen, Man Dinner aficionado pointed out approvingly. “Plus,
look at the guy…….come on……he’s the
Man of the Year!”
speculation has surrounded the potential selection of Crancer as
MOTY ’08, to the point that the announcement came as more
of a relief than anything. “Finally I can get some sleep!”
said Crancer, clutching the hallowed Man of the Year (pooping reindeer)
in Crancer’s employer, International Trucks, led the Dow Jones
Industrial Average to a much needed rally following the announcement.
“Outstanding service, a quality product, a good name, they’re
all great,” said Chuck McMahon, VP of Operations for International,
“but this……this is really what we needed. Can
I ever get invited to that thing?”
of somewhere between 29 and a thousand of Chicago’s most distinguished
and hungry men descended upon Keefer’s Restaurant Thursday
evening, and caught the media largely off guard. Rumor was that
this year’s Holiday Man Dinner would be held later in the
month. Tom Habel, News Director at WLS Channel 7 in Chicago could
not be reached for comment until Friday morning. “Yes it is
true, we did not respond with any coverage of arguably the most
important event of the year.” Wiping his brow, Habel added
“We were acting on what we believed to be a very reliable
source, and we never even got our chopper off the ground.”
usually the case, very few attendees could be identified or reached
for comment. Service entrances, secrecy, and body guards are employed
as these men attempt to shun the spotlight at the annual spectacle.
Chicago area roustabout Ned Ellis was cornered by a member of the
local media, however, and he offered “Great event! What an
evening! Great choice for Man of the Year, and the cheesecakes I
had were fantastic!”
Cities to Host Massive “Ticker”Tape Parade
For immediate release - December 9, 2005 - Chicago IL
Minneapolis Resident Takes Home Prestigious Award
went out across Chicago, Minneapolis, and the entire world Thursday
night as Paul “Ticker” Tichy, a resident of Minneapolis,
was proclaimed Man of the Year (MOTY) at the Fifth Annual Holiday
Man Dinner. The prestigious and secretive event was held during
a blizzard in a secret room at the Saloon Steakhouse in Chicago.
This marks the first time the award has gone to someone residing
outside of the Chicago area.
Minneapolis, the office of the Mayor immediately announced a “Ticker”
tape parade for this weekend, which their press release described
as “the likes of which this country has not seen since Macarthur’s
return.” Minneapolis dignitaries had gathered for a reception
honoring victims of motion sickness at downtown Hotel Le Meridien,
but the event quickly turned in to a media circus surrounding Tichy’s
award. As the city’s public relations team went into action,
they quickly swept some of the beneficiaries of the evening out
of the way, leaving them harried, visibly nauseous, but filled with
Damn!” exclaimed Minneapolis mayor R.T. Ryback, as champagne
corks flew behind him. “You just….(ppppt)….you
just dream about moments like…….YO! BODY!……like
this all your life!” said Ryback, wiping champagne from his
mouth and eyes as he exchanged high fives with former Minnesota
governor Jesse Ventura.
their efforts to reach Tichy were predictably fruitless, Ryback
and Ventura held a publicized conference call with current Minnesota
governor Tim Pawlenty. “Hey, dog,” Ventura barked to
Pawlenty in to the speaker, “We got Paw-lenty of reasons to
par-tay tonight!” Pawlenty added, through the speaker of the
AT&T Merlin, “Come to Minnesota, where we have plenty
of great men!” With reporters tape recorders huddled around
the black phone, Pawlenty made his excitement visible. “Man
of the Year! Atta boy, Ticker!” the governor chanted. He then
used the opportunity to lead a cheer for his state: “Minnesota
rocks! Ladies, sick of the dating scene where you live now? If you
think there are no more good fish left in the sea, you haven’t
been to the state of 10,000 lakes!”
was apparently quite different at the office of Chicago mayor Richard
Daley. According to an unnamed source close to the mayor’s
office, the tubs of champagne and boxes of streamers and confetti
were quietly rushed to freight elevators and to the storage area
in the basement of city hall. Apparently Daley was seen repeatedly
kicking waste cans, and angrily trying to reach Holiday Man Dinner
attendee Rob Corwin. A well-known Chicago raconteur and long-time
Daley pal, Corwin was unable to offer the mayor any solace on the
a statement released by the mayor’s office late Thursday evening,
Daley diplomatically said he would “like to congratulate former
Chicagoan Paul Tichy on this esteemed award. The executive committee
made a fine selection” the statement went on, “From
his childhood in Barrington, to his days at Northwestern University
and living on the North Side, it is apparent that Chicago has had
a positive impact on Paul, and we as a community embraces this honor
bestowed on one of our own.” The memo mentioned nothing about
the failure of the city’s P.R. campaign on behalf of last
year’s recipient Dan Herzberg. It is unclear whether the mayor
will experience any political backlash over the hundreds of thousands
of dollars spent on Herzberg’s re-bestowment campaign.
location of the annual soiree, which features many of the country’s
most famous movers, shakers, and carnivores, was subject to much
speculation. Every year rumors about the date and location of the
Man Dinner start amongst the blogger, tabloid, and gossip columnist
ranks. This year, reports about the entire Hotel Peninsula being
reserved for attendees, or the event being held at Coach Mike Ditka’s
Bannockburn estate proved false. A few well-connected notaries,
although seldom able to garner an invitation, seem to pop up near
the site of the Man Dinner’s secretly shrouded venue. Conjecture
continues, for instance, as to the appearance of Los Angeles Lakers
head coach Phil Jackson at the Saloon Thursday night.
“I went to the men’s room to squeeze the lemons,”
said first-time attendee Ron Robinson of Toledo OH, “and there’s
Phil Jackson standing next to me.” Robinson, heir to the Toledo
Scale fortune, used the public restroom against the wishes of his
security staff. In a candid interview, he mentioned that he was
not angry upon encountering an excited Jackson in the lavatory.
“Who can blame him?” asked Robinson. He shrugged and
continued “He found an oversized red vest and a jar of Calvin
Klein’s Obsession for Men somewhere, and was posing as a rest
room attendant.” Although he would not comment further on
the episode, Robinson supposedly tipped Jackson $100, and returned
to his bone-in filet.
Press Release: Herz is the Man!
For immediate release – Chicago IL – December 10, 2004
Herz! Herz!” they chanted at the top of their lungs.
was predictably tight at the Erie Café Thursday night in
Chicago’s River North neighborhood as many of the city’s
movers, boozers, and shakers gathered for the Fourth Annual Holiday
Man Dinner. The selection of Dan Herzberg as the 2004 Man of the
Year sent reporters scrambling for their cellular phones, and left
fellow attendees with a feeling of great pride.
Herz?” remarked attendee Eric “Chico” Fernandez,
“If he’s not a man, who is? I mean look at him over
there, puffing on his Cuban cigar, sipping his Jack and water.”
Fernandez continued, “Men want to be him; women want to be
financial advisor, Nick Bach, added “All I could say when
the announcement was made was ‘Yes! Yes!’” Bach,
who is believed to have managed part of the Herzberg fortune for
several years, went on to say, “This guy has done so much
for the cause of manhood. He truly deserves this honor.”
Richard Daley and his security entourage were huddled outside the
Erie Café Thursday night hoping for a glimpse of the festivities
within. It has long been rumored that Daley would covet an invitation
to the gala event, and has commissioned a secret task force to try
to procure such an invitation. “It is a great day for Chicago;
indeed a great day for the world. I have no further comment,”
friend and former honoree Dan Pfeiffer (MOTY 02) graciously gave
the press a few moments during a break of the Hold ‘em tournament
he organized. Pfeiffer said, “The Herz! He’s the goods.
You gotta love The Herz. The man has balls the size of church bells.”
attendees were rushed to their limousines through a barricaded back
entry at the Erie Café. However, Chicago entrepreneur Pete
Kassab remarked, “I haven’t really known The Herz that
long, but it seems to me you could not have a better Man of the
Year. My impression of him is that he seems very audacious, beefcake,
bold, brave, colt, confident, daring, dauntless, dignified, fearless,
firm, gallant, hardy, he-man, heroic, hunk, intrepid, jock, jockstrap,
lion-hearted, macho, male, manful, manlike, masculine, muscular,
noble, powerful, red-blooded, resolute, robust, self-reliant, stately,
staunch, stout-hearted, strapping, strong, stud, tiger, two-fisted,
undaunted, valiant, valorous, vigorous, virile, and well-built.
Manly qualities, wouldn’t you agree?”
partying started in all the major cities in the U.S. at approximately
9:20 p.m. Central. The Drudge Report had incorrectly posted Thursday
that the award had been bestowed on another nominee, Scott Frost.
On Lansdowne Street in Boston, reveler Cynthia Hillenbrand said,
“First the Red Sox win the World (burp) Series – excuse
me – and now Herz is named Man of the Year! He is wicked hot.”
reaction was overwhelmingly positive as well. Mr. Herzberg is believed
to have received phone calls from the rulers of most major industrialized
nations. British Prime Minister Tony Blair went so far as to send
Herzberg a Lobstergram. Through the throng of publicity, Herzberg
managed to escape the Man Dinner between 11 p.m. and midnight. He
is rumored to have spent the night at the residence of one or more
of his girlfriends.
2003 Press Release:“Scotty is
For immediate release – Chicago
IL – December 11, 2003
Dow over 10,000, Hussein’s
resolve weakens based on Smith selection.
National confidence received a much-needed
shot in the arm Wednesday night as Scott Smith was crowned Man of
the Year at the Third Annual Holiday Man Dinner. Positive shockwaves
swept across the country almost immediately.
“Yeah, buddy!” exclaimed present
George W. Bush, upon being informed of the news. Sources close to
the president revealed that he was observed running through the
halls of the White House, high-fiving several secret service agents
before calling Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush allegedly woke Cheney,
and began good-naturedly taunting him by adding, “You owe
me lunch at Olive Garden this week!”
Apparently Cheney, based upon top-secret
information amassed by staffers, had predicted Jim Quist would come
away with the prestigious honor. Neither Bush nor Cheney would comment
on the matter, although the president nudged Mr. Cheney, who could
not conceal his eye rolling from the press.
The Nikkei Market surged over 9 percent within
the first hour of the Smith era. U.S. Markets braced for heavy trading,
and, as expected, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was up over 300
points within the first 15 minutes of trading Thursday morning.
Smith was shrouded from the press and shuttled to O’Hare airport
after his acceptance speech at Joe’s Seafood, Prime Steak,
and Stone Crab. He was rumored to be heading for an undisclosed
mountainous location to set his agenda and ski.
U.S. troops stationed in the Middle East
were huddled around their radios Wednesday night, and a collective
roar let out as Smith’s selection was announced over Voice
of America. “Take that, Saddam!” yelled PFC Bill Kashickey,
stationed near Sammara. Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was
said to be disheartened upon being informed of the news, and has
been rumored to decide to become more disoriented. Hussein has also
apparently decided to resign himself to surrender, fearing the Smith
selection has sealed his fate, and move in to a six-foot bunker
in a farmhouse near Tikrit.
Television executives at ABC are said to
be reeling, after record-low ratings for “The Bachelorette
Wedding”, which, unfortunately for the network, aired the
same night as the Holiday Man Dinner. “Dang,” said Mike
Shaw, President of Sales and Marketing for ABC. Shaw added, “I
must admit that I am disappointed in the failure of our trumped-up
television ‘event’. Poor Trista and Ryan may have to
live in sub-celebrity status from now on.” Shaw hastily added,
“I am impressed with the selection of Mr. Smith, however.
I want to be clear about that.”