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Crancer takes home the Reindeer! MOTY 2007 Named. “Ahh!
Ahh! I can’t breathe! What is this? Get it off me! Get it
off me!”
Much speculation has surrounded the potential selection of Crancer as MOTY ’08, to the point that the announcement came as more of a relief than anything. “Finally I can get some sleep!” said Crancer, clutching the hallowed Man of the Year (pooping reindeer) award. Shares in Crancer’s employer, International Trucks, led the Dow Jones Industrial Average to a much needed rally following the announcement. “Outstanding service, a quality product, a good name, they’re all great,” said Chuck McMahon, VP of Operations for International, “but this……this is really what we needed. Can I ever get invited to that thing?” A gathering of somewhere between 29 and a thousand of Chicago’s most distinguished and hungry men descended upon Keefer’s Restaurant Thursday evening, and caught the media largely off guard. Rumor was that this year’s Holiday Man Dinner would be held later in the month. Tom Habel, News Director at WLS Channel 7 in Chicago could not be reached for comment until Friday morning. “Yes it is true, we did not respond with any coverage of arguably the most important event of the year.” Wiping his brow, Habel added “We were acting on what we believed to be a very reliable source, and we never even got our chopper off the ground.” As is
usually the case, very few attendees could be identified or reached
for comment. Service entrances, secrecy, and body guards are employed
as these men attempt to shun the spotlight at the annual spectacle.
Chicago area roustabout Ned Ellis was cornered by a member of the
local media, however, and he offered “Great event! What an
evening! Great choice for Man of the Year, and the cheesecakes I
had were fantastic!”
Twin Cities to Host Massive “Ticker”Tape Parade For immediate release - December 9, 2005 - Chicago IL Minneapolis Resident Takes Home Prestigious Award in Chicago Shockwaves went out across Chicago, Minneapolis, and the entire world Thursday night as Paul “Ticker” Tichy, a resident of Minneapolis, was proclaimed Man of the Year (MOTY) at the Fifth Annual Holiday Man Dinner. The prestigious and secretive event was held during a blizzard in a secret room at the Saloon Steakhouse in Chicago. This marks the first time the award has gone to someone residing outside of the Chicago area. In Minneapolis, the office of the Mayor immediately announced a “Ticker” tape parade for this weekend, which their press release described as “the likes of which this country has not seen since Macarthur’s return.” Minneapolis dignitaries had gathered for a reception honoring victims of motion sickness at downtown Hotel Le Meridien, but the event quickly turned in to a media circus surrounding Tichy’s award. As the city’s public relations team went into action, they quickly swept some of the beneficiaries of the evening out of the way, leaving them harried, visibly nauseous, but filled with civic pride. “Hot Damn!” exclaimed Minneapolis mayor R.T. Ryback, as champagne corks flew behind him. “You just….(ppppt)….you just dream about moments like…….YO! BODY!……like this all your life!” said Ryback, wiping champagne from his mouth and eyes as he exchanged high fives with former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura. Although their efforts to reach Tichy were predictably fruitless, Ryback and Ventura held a publicized conference call with current Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty. “Hey, dog,” Ventura barked to Pawlenty in to the speaker, “We got Paw-lenty of reasons to par-tay tonight!” Pawlenty added, through the speaker of the AT&T Merlin, “Come to Minnesota, where we have plenty of great men!” With reporters tape recorders huddled around the black phone, Pawlenty made his excitement visible. “Man of the Year! Atta boy, Ticker!” the governor chanted. He then used the opportunity to lead a cheer for his state: “Minnesota rocks! Ladies, sick of the dating scene where you live now? If you think there are no more good fish left in the sea, you haven’t been to the state of 10,000 lakes!” Reaction was apparently quite different at the office of Chicago mayor Richard Daley. According to an unnamed source close to the mayor’s office, the tubs of champagne and boxes of streamers and confetti were quietly rushed to freight elevators and to the storage area in the basement of city hall. Apparently Daley was seen repeatedly kicking waste cans, and angrily trying to reach Holiday Man Dinner attendee Rob Corwin. A well-known Chicago raconteur and long-time Daley pal, Corwin was unable to offer the mayor any solace on the wintry night. In a statement released by the mayor’s office late Thursday evening, Daley diplomatically said he would “like to congratulate former Chicagoan Paul Tichy on this esteemed award. The executive committee made a fine selection” the statement went on, “From his childhood in Barrington, to his days at Northwestern University and living on the North Side, it is apparent that Chicago has had a positive impact on Paul, and we as a community embraces this honor bestowed on one of our own.” The memo mentioned nothing about the failure of the city’s P.R. campaign on behalf of last year’s recipient Dan Herzberg. It is unclear whether the mayor will experience any political backlash over the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on Herzberg’s re-bestowment campaign. The location of the annual soiree, which features many of the country’s most famous movers, shakers, and carnivores, was subject to much speculation. Every year rumors about the date and location of the Man Dinner start amongst the blogger, tabloid, and gossip columnist ranks. This year, reports about the entire Hotel Peninsula being reserved for attendees, or the event being held at Coach Mike Ditka’s Bannockburn estate proved false. A few well-connected notaries, although seldom able to garner an invitation, seem to pop up near the site of the Man Dinner’s secretly shrouded venue. Conjecture continues, for instance, as to the appearance of Los Angeles Lakers head coach Phil Jackson at the Saloon Thursday night. “I went to the men’s room to squeeze the lemons,” said first-time attendee Ron Robinson of Toledo OH, “and there’s Phil Jackson standing next to me.” Robinson, heir to the Toledo Scale fortune, used the public restroom against the wishes of his security staff. In a candid interview, he mentioned that he was not angry upon encountering an excited Jackson in the lavatory. “Who can blame him?” asked Robinson. He shrugged and continued “He found an oversized red vest and a jar of Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men somewhere, and was posing as a rest room attendant.” Although he would not comment further on the episode, Robinson supposedly tipped Jackson $100, and returned to his bone-in filet. 2004 Press Release: Herz is the Man! For immediate release – Chicago IL – December 10, 2004 “Herz! Herz! Herz!” they chanted at the top of their lungs. Security was predictably tight at the Erie Café Thursday night in Chicago’s River North neighborhood as many of the city’s movers, boozers, and shakers gathered for the Fourth Annual Holiday Man Dinner. The selection of Dan Herzberg as the 2004 Man of the Year sent reporters scrambling for their cellular phones, and left fellow attendees with a feeling of great pride. “The Herz?” remarked attendee Eric “Chico” Fernandez, “If he’s not a man, who is? I mean look at him over there, puffing on his Cuban cigar, sipping his Jack and water.” Fernandez continued, “Men want to be him; women want to be with him.” Herzberg’s financial advisor, Nick Bach, added “All I could say when the announcement was made was ‘Yes! Yes!’” Bach, who is believed to have managed part of the Herzberg fortune for several years, went on to say, “This guy has done so much for the cause of manhood. He truly deserves this honor.” Mayor Richard Daley and his security entourage were huddled outside the Erie Café Thursday night hoping for a glimpse of the festivities within. It has long been rumored that Daley would covet an invitation to the gala event, and has commissioned a secret task force to try to procure such an invitation. “It is a great day for Chicago; indeed a great day for the world. I have no further comment,” said Daley. Herzberg friend and former honoree Dan Pfeiffer (MOTY 02) graciously gave the press a few moments during a break of the Hold ‘em tournament he organized. Pfeiffer said, “The Herz! He’s the goods. You gotta love The Herz. The man has balls the size of church bells.” Most attendees were rushed to their limousines through a barricaded back entry at the Erie Café. However, Chicago entrepreneur Pete Kassab remarked, “I haven’t really known The Herz that long, but it seems to me you could not have a better Man of the Year. My impression of him is that he seems very audacious, beefcake, bold, brave, colt, confident, daring, dauntless, dignified, fearless, firm, gallant, hardy, he-man, heroic, hunk, intrepid, jock, jockstrap, lion-hearted, macho, male, manful, manlike, masculine, muscular, noble, powerful, red-blooded, resolute, robust, self-reliant, stately, staunch, stout-hearted, strapping, strong, stud, tiger, two-fisted, undaunted, valiant, valorous, vigorous, virile, and well-built. Manly qualities, wouldn’t you agree?” The partying started in all the major cities in the U.S. at approximately 9:20 p.m. Central. The Drudge Report had incorrectly posted Thursday that the award had been bestowed on another nominee, Scott Frost. On Lansdowne Street in Boston, reveler Cynthia Hillenbrand said, “First the Red Sox win the World (burp) Series – excuse me – and now Herz is named Man of the Year! He is wicked hot.” Internationally,
reaction was overwhelmingly positive as well. Mr. Herzberg is believed
to have received phone calls from the rulers of most major industrialized
nations. British Prime Minister Tony Blair went so far as to send
Herzberg a Lobstergram. Through the throng of publicity, Herzberg
managed to escape the Man Dinner between 11 p.m. and midnight. He
is rumored to have spent the night at the residence of one or more
of his girlfriends.
For immediate release – Chicago IL – December 11, 2003 Dow over 10,000, Hussein’s resolve weakens based on Smith selection. National confidence received a much-needed shot in the arm Wednesday night as Scott Smith was crowned Man of the Year at the Third Annual Holiday Man Dinner. Positive shockwaves swept across the country almost immediately. “Yeah, buddy!” exclaimed present George W. Bush, upon being informed of the news. Sources close to the president revealed that he was observed running through the halls of the White House, high-fiving several secret service agents before calling Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush allegedly woke Cheney, and began good-naturedly taunting him by adding, “You owe me lunch at Olive Garden this week!” Apparently Cheney, based upon top-secret information amassed by staffers, had predicted Jim Quist would come away with the prestigious honor. Neither Bush nor Cheney would comment on the matter, although the president nudged Mr. Cheney, who could not conceal his eye rolling from the press. Market Reaction. The Nikkei Market surged over 9 percent within the first hour of the Smith era. U.S. Markets braced for heavy trading, and, as expected, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was up over 300 points within the first 15 minutes of trading Thursday morning. Smith was shrouded from the press and shuttled to O’Hare airport after his acceptance speech at Joe’s Seafood, Prime Steak, and Stone Crab. He was rumored to be heading for an undisclosed mountainous location to set his agenda and ski. International Impact. U.S. troops stationed in the Middle East were huddled around their radios Wednesday night, and a collective roar let out as Smith’s selection was announced over Voice of America. “Take that, Saddam!” yelled PFC Bill Kashickey, stationed near Sammara. Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was said to be disheartened upon being informed of the news, and has been rumored to decide to become more disoriented. Hussein has also apparently decided to resign himself to surrender, fearing the Smith selection has sealed his fate, and move in to a six-foot bunker in a farmhouse near Tikrit. Big Story. Television executives at ABC are said to be reeling, after record-low ratings for “The Bachelorette Wedding”, which, unfortunately for the network, aired the same night as the Holiday Man Dinner. “Dang,” said Mike Shaw, President of Sales and Marketing for ABC. Shaw added, “I must admit that I am disappointed in the failure of our trumped-up television ‘event’. Poor Trista and Ryan may have to live in sub-celebrity status from now on.” Shaw hastily added, “I am impressed with the selection of Mr. Smith, however. I want to be clear about that.”
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2002 Press Release: For Immediate Release – December 11, 2002 Chicago IL – Chicago area men bestowed their greatest honor on Dan Pfeiffer at an emotionally charged ceremony Tuesday evening. The award was presented at the second annual Holiday Man Dinner, held at Fogo de Chao in downtown Chicago. “What an honor,” said a visibly moved Pfeiffer, fighting back tears. He added, “Just to be considered for this great honor is difficult to fathom.” “Words fail at a …Jack and Diet Coke when you have a minute, sweetheart……..at a time like this,” Pfeiffer exclaimed, clutching his MOTY certificate and defecating reindeer Jelly Belly ™ dispenser. “They like me! They really like me!” Strong Reputation “Dan Pfeiffer? Now that’s a man’s man,” said charter Holiday Man Dinner attendee Paul “El Bano” Conley. “I don’t know him all that……….uh, highball please, boy, and don’t be stingy with the limes……….uh, where was I? Oh, right, seems like a great guy, very deserving.” High Honor Although the Holiday Man Dinner is a very secretive event, closed to the media, rumor has it Pfeiffer was nominated by local man-about-town Andrew Ellis. The nomination was said to have received a second from either high-powered attorney Scott “Frosty” Frost, local restaurateur Charlie Trotter, or Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Dennis Hastert. The award is presented annually by the honoraries in attendance at the Man Dinner. The selection is made on the basis of leadership, service, coolness, and accomplishment. “Pfeiff,” pointed out Man Dinner co-founder Dan Herzberg, “yeah,….heh, heh,…that’s good.” |
